When You Feel Like You’re Living Someone Else’s Life: The Hidden Cost of Childhood Trauma

Have you ever looked at your life and thought, “This doesn’t even feel like me”?

Maybe you’re ticking the boxes—working, socialising, taking care of things—but deep down, something feels… off.

Disconnected.

Almost like you’re performing in a play, wearing a mask you forgot how to take off.

If that resonates, you’re not alone—and there might be a deeper reason for that feeling than you think.

What Is Childhood Trauma—And Why Doesn’t It Always Look Like “Trauma”?

When people hear the word trauma, they often think of something dramatic—abuse, violence, tragedy. But some of the most damaging trauma happens quietly, subtly, and early in life. This is called developmental or childhood trauma, and it can leave invisible wounds that shape your entire sense of self.

It doesn’t always come from something happening to a child. Sometimes, it’s what didn’t happen.

• A parent who was addicted to alcohol
• A parent who was emotionally unavailable
• Feeling unseen or unheard
• Growing up in a home where emotions were shut down or dismissed
• Having to be the “good child” to avoid upsetting a parent
• Living in a home with stress, substance misuse, or even just emotional coldness

Children are incredibly sensitive. If they consistently feel unsafe, unseen, or not accepted as they are, their developing brain learns to adapt—to survive rather than thrive.

This concept is not new. But, what is new is the science. We now have much more understanding about what happens to the brain than we did 15 years ago.

The Fragmented Self: Adapting by Splitting Off Parts of Who We Are

As children, we all need connection, affection, and validation. When those needs aren’t met, we find ways to cope.

Using the latest brain imagery combined with AI we now have strong evidence how trauma affects a child brain’s neurophysiology, that without treatment continues into adulthood.

This trauma translates into difficulties of feeling emotions, learning difficulties, greater challenges in interacting with people and the whole world around them.

We might:

• Become the overachiever
• Want to become invisible
• Take care of everyone else
• Suppress emotions to avoid conflict
• Hide parts of ourselves that others didn’t accept

Over time, these survival strategies become masks. We begin to forget who we really are underneath.

This is what I call living from a fragmented self—when the parts of you that were once silenced or hidden remain locked away.

You might feel like:

• You don’t know what you really want
• You’re always “on,” but rarely feel relaxed
• You’re living someone else’s life
• You go along with things, even if they don’t feel right
• You struggle to make decisions or trust yourself

And no amount of “positive thinking” or productivity hacks can fix that feeling—because it isn’t a mindset issue.

It’s about disconnection from the self.

The Body Remembers Even If the Mind Doesn’t

Unprocessed childhood trauma doesn’t just live in the mind—it embeds itself in the body. That’s why so many people with developmental trauma struggle with:

• Chronic stress or anxiety, and feeling stuck
• Distorted sense of self
• Emotional dysregulation (overreacting or numbing out)
• Addictions or compulsive behaviours (alcohol, food, social media, even work)
• Trouble feeling or naming body sensations
• Physical health issues (like fatigue, pain, digestive problems)
• Overthinking or self-sabotaging themselves, feeling disconnected

Research shows that trauma during childhood can disrupt brain development, especially in areas responsible for emotional regulation (experiencing or understanding, emotions), self-awareness, and decision-making, or adapting to new situations. It’s not about willpower or weakness—it’s biology.

What’s more, it can create a disruptive since of survival and thereat, which may cause their predictive brain to work against them. The unhappy and still most powerful brain (who is not our friend, all it bothers about is survival) can simply start acting against us…

And, we don’t know who we are any more, what is what, where we go any more…

Why Healing Can Feel Complicated

One of the hardest parts?

You may not even realise your childhood was traumatic.

You might say:

“My parents did their best.”

“I wasn’t abused or anything.”

“It wasn’t that bad.”

And maybe that’s true.

But developmental trauma (childhood trauma) isn’t always about what was done to you—it’s also about what was missing.

A parent can be physically present but emotionally absent.They can provide food, shelter, and clothing—but not the warmth, safety, and emotional connection you needed. That’s enough to fracture a child’s developing sense of self.

People being stuck in their childhood trauma often don’t see the significance of their lives, as because it for so long, it simply becomes their normality, everyday reality.

The Journey Back to Wholeness

Healing from developmental trauma is not about “fixing” yourself—it’s about reconnecting with the parts of you that had to go into hiding. In therapy we can connect the dots between the trauma and how it affects them.

In my work with clients, especially through approaches like Core Transformation andWholeness Process, I help people gently re-meet those lost inner parts with compassion—not force. As we create space for those parts to feel safe again, people start to experience something truly powerful:

• A clearer sense of who they are
• The ability to feel their emotions without being overwhelmed
• A natural confidence in making choices that actually feel right
• A deep sense of inner calm—not from faking it, but from real integration

You Are Not Broken—You Were Shaped by Circumstances

If you’ve been feeling like you’re on autopilot or living a life that isn’t yours, disconnected, please know: this isn’t your fault.Your nervous system, your mind, your identity adapted to help you survive. And that’s a kind of brilliance.

But survival isn’t the same as living fully.

You don’t have to stay stuck in the performance. There is a way back to yourself—and it starts with understanding that the fragmented parts of you are not shameful.

They are simply waiting and hoping to come home. To feel and embrace life again.

Want to Explore This Further?

If any of this resonates, and you’d like to begin that journey back to yourself, I offer a gentle, non-judgmental space to begin. Whether in person or online, I work with people who are ready to move from surviving to thriving—no matter how long it’s been.

You can find out more about my approach or book an initial consultation here:👉 www.nlp-lifechanges.co.uk